AAFU: I just found out that my boyfriend is pro-life
Brandy Jensen, editor of The Outline’s Power, has made a lot of mistakes in her life. Did she learn from them and become a wiser person as a result? Hahaha oh my God no. But that leaves her uniquely skilled at telling you what not to do, as she probably did.
I love you and I need help. I’m dating a guy I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s fun, he’s smart, he’s cool, we went to the same college. His parents love me, my parents love him… BUT. He blurted out, he’s pro-life. Normally I wouldn’t mind too much (like my mom says he’s not in the Supreme Court so his opinion doesn’t matter), but with all this shit lately Is bother me. We are originally from Georgia, and although I have moved I still love it. After the stupid heartbeat bill episode, I don’t even want him to touch me. I lost everything I felt for him. Is it time to break up with him?
I have to admit I’m a little confused as to how you’ve known this guy for years, but his position on the matter has only come to light now. Your surprise at this discovery implies that he was not overly religious, or was a vocal college Republican. This leads me to believe he’s probably pro-life like a lot of men are: superficial and thoughtless. Does that make it better? Probably not.
Among the many ways Americans are foolishly romantic is the idea that love can bridge people across political lines. This myth is based on the belief that despite our differences, if we try hard enough, we can really all agree. This rather childish notion has kept the careers of James Carville and Mary Matalin alive, but what people often forget about these two is that they share something fundamental in common: They’re both suckers. .
This does not mean that your policy should align perfectly with your partner. And you certainly don’t need to go looking for men who loudly tout their feminist credentials (it only leads to pain and embarrassment when you start calling yourself “ethically non-monogamous” and find out. finally he sends Instagram DMs to teenagers).
But there are a few issues that disagreement reveals something ugly about a person. Strictly speaking, it’s not about what your boyfriend thinks about a clump of cells, it’s about what he thinks about women. While it is truly anti-abortion, it does not give you the same autonomy it enjoys. In his mind, your dreams for your life, your economic freedom, even your physical security are all contingent on your ability to reproduce. To be seen as a whole person by your partner is basic crap, not political bickering.
It is possible that if you explain yourself in these terms, he will come back. A lot of men decide things at a young age – he’s my best friend, two towels are all you need, abortion is bad – and never go back on those decisions. If he inherited his pro-life stance from conservative parents, or if he’s never really talked to a woman about it before, that indicates your boyfriend is a jerk, but not irreparably. If his pro-life stance is a deeply thought-out stance that you only learn now because he assumed you were okay with it or actively hid it from you, then there is only one thing to do with this relationship: end it.
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