Our Bed and Breakfast Is The Perfect Place For You And Your Spouse To Beat On Vacation
Thank you for choosing our quaint bed and breakfast in the foothills of somewhere Vermont-esque for your getaway. Just like with countless couples before you, our relaxing abode is the perfect backdrop for the weekend hassle we’re confident you’ll have during your entire stay.
Forget the anonymity of a hotel with the feeling of home of our B&B. Just like in your own home, you’ll wonder why your spouse has to make those sounds when brushing their teeth, and they’ll simply tell you that it’s the only way to drown out your weekly phone call with your mom.
We provide everything you need, so bring only the essentials: clothes, personal toiletries, and a decade of pent-up annoyance and simmering frustration that will make your argument a weekend to remember (but you both of you will remember it differently than your marriage counselor).
Choose from a variety of rooms to create the perfect space to brood on your deepest resentments. Our Queen Suites are equipped with a desk area to sit down while defending the time you went to Greg’s bachelor party in Sonoma while your wife was pregnant. Enjoy a view? Our Royal Suites overlook Appalachia, so you can refuse to look your partner in the eye while they apologize for kissing Chris Bonnadino once in college. Want romance? Book our Honeymoon Suite and experience the uncomfortable silence that comes with sleeping in a heart-shaped bed after saying you may have proposed too soon.
Visit great outdoor facilities like our nature trails and walk right in front of your partner while saying, “That’s how fast my legs move.” Don’t forget to check out the waterfall, because the only thing better than getting frustrated is getting wet.
We even have a hot springs spa on site that the two of you can book and only one of you can show up while the others stew in bed watching reruns of Rizzoli and islands on DTT.
Up early? We provide a full breakfast in our rustic kitchen for anyone who escapes a partner who snores happily while you replay last night’s argument over and over in your head. Hone your rhetorical responses over freshly squeezed orange juice so you have enough energy to wake them up with blazing conversational guns.
Do you think your fight has run its course? It’s time to take a trip to the local town accessible only by car, which is just perfect because your spouse has unilaterally decided that you will take the train here. There will surely be plenty of Ubers in this bustling town of 750 people.
Before you go, don’t forget to visit our souvenir shop, located next to the dining room, where you argued over the pronunciation of “Sauvignon Blanc” and made a waiter very uncomfortable. The gift shop has the perfect keepsakes that you won’t be able to display because your spouse is just bringing back the bad memories from your trip. Have you ever wanted to spend thirty-seven dollars on a monogrammed candle? We didn’t think so, which is why you’ll spend fifty-two bucks to prove how much fun you’re having on this lost-from-hell excursion.
In our bed and breakfast, we pride ourselves on warmth, comfort and contentment. We are not proud of you and your spouse for any of these things, because we saw you sneaking around to smoke a cigarette and mumble about the trip to Spain that you should have taken alone.
Thanks for thinking of us, and we’ll always be thinking of you, especially when we see your spouse’s two-star Yelp review that you begged them not to post.